Still working on

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The first time is the moment that everyone dreams of.

The first time is the moment that everyone urns for.

The first time is suppose to be awkward.

But never had I prepared for my first time.

I had planned on sleeping,

It was a normal night.

Him asking me saying I wanted to sleep,

I was not ready

I wanted to wait till marriage.

I was living a lie he would never know.

This night was different.

I said I was tired. He just threw me down.

Suddenly I felt like a ragged anne doll.

Thrown on a bed, clothes ripped off.

I screamed, I scream, I screamed.

My voice echoed out for help.

My pleas left unheard.

My pants started to go.

I kicked, I kicked, I fought.

But I was weak, I felt like the smallest thing on the earth.

No matter how hard I fought he would win.

He would gain what he wanted.

He would trap me into my world of hell.

sleep

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My head hits the pillow, my eyelids grow heavy.

I fall into a darkness, I fall into a sleep.

I awake within my dreams.

I am alive while sleeping, I am alive in my dreams.

But I am not alone.

I am plagued with your memory.

The memory of your eyes,

No matter how far I run and hide,

I always find you.

There behind my eyes, you have cause a third degree burn on my memory.

Your charming smile, your deep eyes. Those trusting eyes,

Those eyes that told me I was safe, with the glimmer of life.

Those eyes that turned to death as your hands found there way around my neck.

Those eyes that turned cold as you held me down and laughed at my struggle.

Those eyes that stole everything that was dear to me.

Those eyes, those eyes, Those evil eyes.

I see those eyes.

I see those eyes that never understood that ripping my pants off every night was not

sex.

Those eyes that didn’t care. Those eyes that turned from kindness to hatred in a second.

Those eyes were all I saw as you stole my innocent, As you choked the air out of my body, as you beat me till I shut up, As I screamed for help, As you almost broke my writs.

Those eyes are all I saw.

As I screamed to god, as I prayed for help, as I begged for life to stop,

Those eyes are all I ever saw.

Three simple words

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My soul once urned for your love

urned for your trust.

We were one, we were perfect.

The nights I feel deep asleep in your arms,

only waking to find your grip tightening  around my body.

You getting closer to me, keeping me safe.

A strike of lighting,

bright and burning.

Struck the roots of our relationship.

With one loud crack the mask came off.

The kind sweet eyes from behind the mask,

ripped through the mask, shattering the pieces into my heart.

The stabbing pain,

the blackest eyes,

the flashes of lighting that can’t leave my mind.

You stole the three simple words.

The words that now uttered makes my skin crawl.

The words that I wish I could hear and feel the warmth.

The three simple words.

I Love….

You took away the moments I dreamed of having.

Stole not only my innocences,

but stole the most beautiful moment of all.

The moment when nothing else matters.

The moment when the person you want to be with leans down,

gets close,

gets really close,

leans in

and in

and in.

In till they are so close you can feel the safe and warmth breath.

They whisper the three most beautiful words one person can hear,

the three words that everyone dreams of hears,

the three words that you are taught in fairytales,

the three simple words.

These three words are all I want to hear.

I wish for the day that I can hear

I Love You,

Without feeling the knife plunge deep into my heart.

I just want to hear,

I Love You,

and finally be at peace.

Scalding

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I turn and stare at the mirror.

I am stripped down, black streaks down my cheeks,

I am naked both emotionally and physically.

Blackness is all that remains of my body.

I turn the nob,

and keep turning.

I step in and feel the scalding water.

I stand and watch my skin turn red.

Never quite feeling the heat.

I wait, and wait, and wait.

Finally the pain of the scalding water hits my flesh.

I start to scrub, and scrub and scrub.

Nothing seems to cleanse me of my past.

Tears mixing with water,

I drop to my knees,

sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.

The water streams down my back as I slump to the floor.

I blend into the tub, a pitiful heap, a motionless body.

Gurl- A work in progress

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Girl whenever I see you around, my world turns upside down.

A simple smile from you cause a faint feeling in my head.

As you reach for my hand, I swear my heart skips a beat.

Although we have been together for a year, these feeling occur day after day.

Because everyday I see you is like the first, the feelings of happiness that do occur.

Girl you and I are the weirdest two people to exists as one.

I always felt like the book no one wanted to read.

Like the piece of fruit with one to many bruise on the skin.

But you picked me from the bowl and decided you could handle me not being so cool.

Because when we are together, nothing else matters.

We can be ourselves and deliberate on how the world would judge us.

Laugh about what it would be like if we were really just two people stuck within the truman show.

Girl you are the best thing that could have walked into my life.

You see me as flawless, you ignore the bruises and scares that plague my past.

Girl you and I are the most perfect queer couple to grace this town.

So I wrote this one drunk, I decided not to change anything about it. Because it came from a real place, although its not the best I like to let that part of me heard.

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Fuck that image you have of me.

Fuck all the things you say to me

You don’t know what the fuck I have gone through.

You say I’m not gay enough looking,

you say my life has not been hard.

You say, you say, you say.

Who the fuck let you say shit.

I have conformed to your standards and was fucked harder than I had ever been fucked before. You screwed me for life and forced me to live with a pain that no human should ever have to feel.

I have lived through a hell you can not image.

I force a fake fucking thick wall of makeup on my face,

I force a fake amount happiness on my face.

I do all this to make you, you in society think I am normal.

I have been beaten, I have been raped, I have been choked,

I have pleaded, prayed and begged a God I do not believe in to strike me dead.

I have begged him to take me off this planet and way from my pain.

Society tells me I asked for it, Society tells me I deserved it.

When the fuck did I asked to have my innocents stolen.

When did I ask for him to choke the sound from my body.

When does it get to the point of near death for me to learn that my pleading,

my yelling will only get me close to death to wake from the haze to being rapped again.

When the fuck did god, did society, did the world give you permission to judge me.

I lived in a three month hell hole. I was rapped five days a week.

I don’t have to do the fucking math for you, but you don’t care.

To you I am a frigid bitch.

To you I deserve all bad that comes.

To you I am someone you think doesn’t matter.

Well you don’t know shit about me, and I refuse to let society define me.

I refuse to let YOU make me feel like the piece of trashed always stuck

in the dumpster to never be peeled away.

Fear

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Everyone has their own fears…

fear of heights

fear of people

and like mine fear of the night.

But my fear doesn’t involve the normal dark that you hear or see.

My fear is the engulfing blackness that is not seen in the eyes,

but felt deep within my heart. The blackness that causes pains in

my muscles and causes me to scream in fear.

Its the darkest black that comes in the forms of my memory,

creeping from my past and curling it fingers around my neck.

As it tightens, it slowly laughs in my face as the darkness gets darker,

as the fear rises and falls but never quite escapes,

as the fear sits on my chest like a 25 pound rock being dropped from the highest cliff

to the deepest pits of hell.

This fear chokes, and chokes and chokes the breath from with in my soul.

My chest thumps,

My breathing quickens.

My chest thumps,

My breath quickens.

I try to catch my brea… my breaa. I try to catch my mother fucking breath.

As the darkness grips my throat harder he laughs at the tears rolling down my face,

His laughter is like no other.

It cause paralyzing fear. Its a fear that reaches out and slaps me so hard that I am stuck

motionless, and causes me to scream out with all my might, to only hear silence.

The tighter the grip, the quieter it gets.

The tighter the grip, the quieter it gets.

All that is left is a lifeless frame.

A motionless face with streaks of mascara and tears.

A look of pure dread, a look that makes your heart rip into a thousand pieces.

A look that reads all the pain, but hides it all at the same time.

But this look is not seem because the darkness makes sure to hide it.

The darkness is my fear,

the darkness laughs in my face.

But when I try to laugh back, the fingers of hell tighten there grip and silences me forever.